Warning – This post may be triggering for some. I will be discussing abortion and my own experiences.
This has come up quite a bit for me lately in my client sessions and one of the main themes I see tied to it is guilt. Guilt happens to be a perception/emotion that haunts us way after whatever experience that led us to feel guilt in the first place. It’s really a plague that has many of us walking around feeling regret and despair over things that we have no control over, which can be uber disappointing and depressing.
I used to feel a lot of guilt, depression and sadness over the abortion(s) I decided to have over my lifetime. I would go back and forth, over and under, around and through the different possible “karmic” consequences that may or may not have been a direct correlation to this decision. I beat myself up, pretty badly. I have since noticed that I have a really uncanny ability to drive my own self nuts in my mind through self-talk that is critical, judgmental, unforgiving and even cruel.
There were a few different things I did to allow myself to heal from this deep rooted pain, regret, remorse and guilt I carried around for years, allowing it to overshadow my accomplishments and make me feel inferior, as if bad things were “destined” to happen to me. The first thing I did was really step back and become observant of my self talk ( hint, that’s always a good place to start when looking to heal any emotional pain). I also became the observer from what I like to call a “zoomed out” vantage point. I zoom out and take into consideration all factors in my decision and begin to cut myself slack because we always make decisions based on what we perceive is the best possible next step for our current situation and dynamics. With truly knowing and understanding that, compassion can soften the sharp and rigidity of the guilt, shame and regret. I had a whole script around how the relationship from which the child was conceived had turned south due to my decision (when in reality it already was south which was part of the reason for my decision).
The next thing I did was to give myself permission to fully grieve the loss of the life that I had conceived. My reasons for deciding the terminate the pregnancies were valid (and ANY REASON IS), however that did not mean that I was exempt from permission to process my emotions around it in a healthy and empowering manner.
I read some something on how to create a release ritual for my unborn children. It involved actually opening up a dialogue and communicating my emotions around the decision. It also involved naming the child(ren) and truly having a heart to heart conversation. This was highly therapeutic for me because it allowed me to give them identities….names, genders and ages. I wrote to them and then took those letters to a body of water, set them on fire and then set the fiery memorandum afloat in the water. I have since learned and come to know that we as human beings truly do not have the ability to “kill” anyone. We may have the ability to harm and destroy the physical body, but we do NOT have the ability to harm nor destroy any energetic life force. Meaning, even when a person is killed, their energy and spirit live on infinitely and are reborn through another portal. I know this may be a controversial subject and I risk losing some of my readers due to this brazen position, and that’s alright This writing is intended to reach and help any sisters who may be carrying around guilt and baggage for similar decision(s)
I am here to let you know that you are forgiven, GOD forgives you and you ought to forgive yourself, because your decision was the best one you had to make at the time. This is something that is VERY common amongst women and is rarely spoken about openly. We have the right to make decisions about our bodies and reproductive health. We have the right to decide that the consequences outweigh the risk. We have the right to choose ourselves before another person. We even have the right to make mistakes and not judge ourselves for the rest of our lives. Everyone has made mistakes that caused them remorse and/or regret. It’s in the giving of permission of self to truly go and process that remorse and/or regret in which we free ourselves from the inner judgement and criticism. Once we are free from the bondage we hold ourselves to within, nothing or no one without can keep us tied to shame or guilt.
I hope this message touched you in a positive, affirming and empowering way.
With So Much Love,
The Honey Pot