I had an amazing steam session with a client today and the topic of repeating patterns within relationships and life in general came up. I have personally experienced several “themes” that seemed to be recurring amongst and amid interpersonal relationships. On my personal development journey I have come to realize that the things I manifest in my outward experience have a direct correlation to the sustained and consistent energetic frequency that I vibrate on. This means that I am really manifesting from my subconscious, that deep and dark mysterious place where we go to dump off all the pain and hurt that we “don’t have time to deal with” or have “been over that a long time ago”.
For me, once such example was resentment and hurt for the fact that I didn’t have what I perceived to be a meaningful connection with my father. From my first memory of him, he was married to another woman who was not my mother and most of the expectations about what, where, when and how he would show up in my life were almost always met with disappointment unfulfillment and disappointment. Even in writing this, I see how a subconscious propensity was built to:
- Question my worth
- Be made to feel like an outsider
- Expect disappointment
- Not expect honesty and transparency
Please take note of the fact that I very specifically mentioned that my perception was that this was not being a meaningful connection, or rather a painful connection. Of course now at the age of 37 I can take an alternative perspective and realize that it was in fact very meaningful, perhaps not in the “traditional” way of being a positive source of reference for healthy relating, but meaningful without a doubt. You see, we can scratch out my father in this scenario and insert the majority of my personal relationships (both romantic and not). Because my current perception as a child and adolescent was disappointment and unfulfillment. I had created a “subconscious cell” of information to be stored deep (well maybe not as deep as I thought) in my collective subconscious. Without getting all heady into subconscious lingo, we manifest from our subconscious, so when there are “cells” and pockets of pain and trauma, those things have a tendency to manifest in our lives until we are willing to (often by energetic force or circumstance) look at what lies deeply within us that we haven’t intentionally gone back to and scrubbed/eradicated. Whew!
I love my sessions because they are as much cathartic and healing for me as they are for my clients. My suggestion to my client was exactly what I had done in my own life to begin to scrub/eradicate this subconsciously programmed cell, and that was to allow myself to go back there. To stop making excuses (better known as defense mechanisms) such as “I could never miss what I never had” or “that was so long ago, I am over that”. I allowed myself to go back and express my anger, my disappointment, my sadness, hurt, pain and seething jealousy. I allowed myself to feel…and in allowing myself to experience fully that emotion/energy/cell of my subconscious, I was able to begin to release that connection with disappointment, hurt, sadness, pain, sadness and jealousy. I was able to chip away at the very thing that was magnetically attracting the same subconscious dynamics into my life.
Of course, I am not suggesting that just writing one letter to a person who you have held onto painful connection with will instantly and magically heal that pain source from which you attract. But, it can. It all depends on how vulnerable you are willing to become and how you have trained your subconscious agility. For me, it took a few attempts, and after the last one, I was contacted by my fathers in ways that previously triggered me and was able to flex my new subconscious cell/pattern, which was that I had compassion and love and forgiveness to offer him. I had to first begin to cultivate compassion, love and forgiveness in myself to have access to extend it externally.
This brings me to another phrase I coined during our conversation which is “subconscious agility.” My client was remarking on how even sometimes even when she felt like she had “dealt with” a particular recurring theme or scenario that it would rear its “ugly head” once more. That’s when I suggested doing the work of intentionally and willingly revisiting that subconscious cell of stored energy/emotion. I also relayed to my client that from my own personal experience and understanding, the Universe Law of Relativity definitely comes into play as a “test” of sorts to see if we have in fact passed the task/opportunity to learn, grow and absorb the amazing value that comes from trials and trauma if we can position our perspective properly.
I just remembered my mom bought me a book called “A Dad Shaped Hole In My Heart” and I do believe this post sums up what the gist of that text was (although I never actually read it” That hole or cell was intentionally and actively replaced with a strong desire to have no contention with another human being. An intention to be free from all resentment, hurt, pain and to truly experience the amazing gift and freedom that forgiveness provides. In short, I am responsible for filling all of the “holes” in my heart.
PS. My day reached out to me a few months after I wrote my letter and asked to come and meet my children for the first time. Because I had worked on scrubbing that subconscious cell (pocked of energy), I was receptive and didn’t judge or minimize his attempts.
We are now friends on Facebook and he made a post about how proud he is of me and that I am impacting humanity in such a wonderful way. Not a bad outcome, eh?
With So Much Love,
The Honey Pot (Megan)